NEW MOON is hardly new and contains no moon, only horny teenagers

Those of you who follow my Twitter will know that I watch more movies than I am able to write about (this is a silent hint to follow me). I still got some on the drawing board like Disney’s UP and Woody Allen’s WHATEVER WORKS, but my latest movie was so awful, I just had to put aside the more decent movies for this abomination. The movie in question NEW MOON, part 2 of The Twilight Saga, with TWILIGHT being the first one which was released last year and on DVD a couple of weeks ago.

New Moon movie poster

Some people do not know it, but The Twilight Saga is based on the 4 novels from Stephenie Meyer. They apparently were a great success, because last year the first book was released on the white screen.

The Twilight Saga tells the story of Bella Swan, played by Kristen Stewart, who falls in love with a vampire. The vampire in question; Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, you know the guy who dies in HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE. Of course having a relationship with a vampire brings complications, like him being nocturnal, stuff like bloodlust, direct sunlight and him not being able to cross water and all. But with these series all those vampirish issues all vanished and the genre became “just another romantic drama movie”.

NEW MOON continues the love story of Bella and Edward, when Edward eventually decides to leave her. He believes she will be in danger if she stays around him and his family so one day he is gone. Bella is heartbroken and eventually finds comfort in her friend Jacob Black (the new MTV hunk Taylor Lautner). Jacob helps Bella deal with her loss, when suddenly also Jacob wants distance in their relationship. After a little while Bella finds out why, Jacob is a werewolf the archenemies of vampires. Seriously why do women always fall for the mysterious and dangerous types?

The new Marvel Superheroes, The Wolf Pack!

Just when Jacob is about to lick like Lassie, Alice (Edward’s sister) returns to warn Bella. Edward dearest apparently is going to the Volturi in Italy to have himself killed. He strongly believes Bella already is dead so he wants to join her. Now isn’t that cute? Sounds like Romeo & Juliet doesn’t it? Bella stops Edward and they somehow manage to delude the Volturi and head back home to Forks. Edward promises he will never leave Bella and Jacob – the horny dog he is – basically does the same. The treaty the vampires and werewolves currently have, will certainly be influenced, all this because of a woman / girl / the evil gender.

I thought the whole classic drama stories were gone, but The Twilight Saga somehow shows it is still possible, not believable, but possible to some extent. But this is not what actually ruins the movie. Since my early childhood years I have been a fan of vampire stories, so I am one of those people who dislike the way NEW MOON (and TWILIGHT) is being shown.

  • No vampires do not shine like diamonds when sunlight hits them, they frickin’ burn (to death).
  • Vampires cannot swim, they cannot cross oceans! The have to be carried over (for example by hiding on a ship in their casket).
  • Werewolves need a moon to change and if I stand correctly, they need a full moon. With NEW MOON we get to see Jacob and the gang shape shift as if they are part of a new Marvel series. I cannot recall even seeing a moon in this movie.
  • And the list goes on…

Having this many flaws compared to the old (ancient) vampire stories, The Twilight Saga does not feel true to its genre. You are basically watching a love story with some “additions”. The above mentioned flaws could be overlooked if the acting was decent, but alas even this is not the case. At times I just had shivers down my spine, not because of the scare factor – not even one scary moment in the entire movie – but due to bad acting and the dialogue.

Example:
Edward Cullen: You promised you wouldn’t do anything stupid or reckless.
Bella Swan: You promised it would be as if you never existed. You lied.

Or:
Bella Swan: Jasper… No fair with the mood control thing.
Jasper Whitlock: [smiles] Sorry Bella… Happy uh… Nevermind… Really?

The last one is even more confusing, since Bella is supposed to be immune to the “extra” vampire powers each one of them have. And when did vampires even have all these extra powers? Do they not have enough strengths already? O wait I forgot, the series are not true to the classic version of a vampire.

Yes the dialogue really is teeth clenching!

I think you are getting my drift why this movie – or better yet the entire series – should be avoided. I can only think of one reason to actually go and watch it; if you got the hots for Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner (or both if that is your thing). You will get to see them bare-chested and decently buffed. So the true question is; do you like pale hotties or nicely coloured ones?

4 Comments

  1. Jodi Kanaan · December 22, 2009

    Hey there, nice writing. Nowadays it is quite difficult to find such informative views. Anyone checked out new moon special edition US giveaway?

  2. Nr|Five · December 23, 2009

    Thank you 🙂

    No such giveaways here in Europe though

  3. Ja Muench · March 6, 2010

    I love Twilight! I can’t wait for Twilight Eclipse! I’m so in love with taylor, lol.
    I still think that the first movie was better, but New Moon def. wins in eye candy lol

  4. Twilight Fan · March 29, 2010

    Well, I agree with the “No fair with the mood control” thing. But where is there a set of rules that all vampire/werewolf movies need to apply to posted at. This is the creative vision for the writer/filmmakers. And apparently alot of people like it cause the books and movies both are like gold now. Just think about the Blade series, that’s the only time other than True Blood where vampires are “alergic” to silver that I can remember seeing. And speaking of True Blood, Eric can fricking fly, what’s up with that. It all boils down to the story. It’s a love story not a action/horror flick. Most people realized that before they even went to see them. You have to have an open mind when it comes to movies or else we’d be watching the same thing over and over again just wrapped up differently.

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